Past and Future

It is funny how much your past can affect your future. With relationships, decisions, careers and so on. Pretty much everything. I was sitting at work thinking about my past and how much it has affected me. I compare past events with current ones, and make quicker judgements based on that. I have only had one relationship in my life. And it was a very hurtful one. I think i hated myself for making this guy seemed the best thing in the world. And when he broke my heart, I was so afraid to explain to the people in my life what happened. I was afraid to be judge. Obviously this has affected me in some way. I am not sure if this person will read this. But I guess this will be a good example.

There is this guy I like now. And I feel bad because I could be treating him better. No I am not an asshole or nor abusive, god no. BUT I am so afraid that he will hurt me the same way the previous guy did. So I always jump into assumptions and always show my insecurities. This is not good. Just this weekend I made another assumption and put my self in a stupid place. Yes I know I need to stop comparing the two of them. They are very different, one actually respects me and is there for me as much as he can. The other left. One gives me hope and is genuinely my friend. The other... well not so much. SO why do I keep comparing? Because my past has affected me so much that my future will be messed up if I don't let it go. They are two different people, one has been there for years, the other is gone. One makes me smile non stop and still gives me the butterflies. The other is no more and never made me feel like that. That should be enough for me to stop. And with all this in mind, I apologize to the man, who I drive nuts sometimes. You may never read this or may. But I am sorry and thankful you are still there. You have proven to me that there are good men out there. And I hope that all this doesn't bite me in the ass. I hope you prove to me that I am wrong for assuming that you and the past guy are the same. I know I can control my emotions but fear still lives within me.

With all this in mind, here is my advice to all those of you that read this. NEVER take your past with you to a new relationship, or new crush, or near your future. It is not going to be the same. I hope that fear won't stop you from meeting someone great or from scaring someone off. I am old enough to realize that and behave like a woman. I know I am learning a lot now. I guess I have this guy to thank, he truly is showing me patience, but I am so sorry to drag him along in this. And I hope one day he can understand, but I guess him still being around should be enough proof that he does.