Turning 26

So i've noticed I haven't written on here for a while. There are many reasons. A lot of things have been going on in my life that I just wanted to be more in the dark about things. But I will say a few things. When you hit low, you hit low.

It is funny to see how life works for some. How some things are build up to happen a certain way. How some things will be left without knowing what they would or could of become. I am sure you may be wondering WTF am I talking about huh? Some of you know what has been going on in my life over the past few months, some of you don't. But I think whether you know or don't know, we all can relate to each other somehow. Life is weird. Right? I guess in some way I am glad all this is happening before i turn 26. A new year of life is coming up and it can be a fresh start for me. I hope. I am trying to let some things go and accept some things for what they are. To let go of the things and people you love, to accept the hurt that comes with, to change your life because nothing went the way it was planned. As I told a friend last night, we all grow up at different periods of our lives. I think my time is now. I am not saying I am becoming a different person, I love to laugh and joke around. But I feel like I have to get to know me again. I have to learn about myself again. It's only been a few months and my life has changed forever. I realized it is OK to cry.

Sometimes we don't appreciate the things we have. When they are gone sometimes we realize it. And sometimes we never do. Sometimes we don't realize we are hurting another person. Sometimes we forget there are other people involved. Sometimes we forget about those people. And we never appreciate them until it is too late.

I am at a lost right now. I think I am screwed up, yes i'll admit it. Only reason I admit is because if there is someone out there reading this, don't feel alone. I suppose we all have to hit a slump, a low, to figure things out. I had some stuff planned out. I was going to travel to Europe, go to Grad school, move out, but none of it is going to happen, at least not now. I have to figure out a new path in my life.

I've had 25 birthdays, going for 26. When I think about those years, I think about some of the people that were part of it. How some of them are gone. I think about who I was and how much I have changed. I can only hope for the best for myself. I am not going to lie, it is hard as fuck to think positive when life keeps throwing you punches. Trust me I hate that all this is happening a week before my birthday. But i guess better to get it over with and start new. Right?

I can't help to think how some things could of been. Some days I try to explain and re analyze some of things that were said to me or done to me. I do have some regrets as most people do. I can't help to wonder if anyone cares about how i feel or who i am in their lives. If i meant or mean anything to them. I guess all I feel is what makes people geniuses, writers, musicians, artist, actors, motivational. I need to get out of this low and use it to my advantage. But for now I am giving myself time to just feel. I hate thinking of what could of been. I fear the future. I really do. But fuck it, we all have to face it. So here is a new start in MY life. I think it is time I became a bit selfish and became more concern about my feelings. To finally find myself that hot British guy I have always wanted haha. Sorry I had to throw a bit of my sense of humor in there.

But I do have things to look forward too. All the lovely babies in my family, seeing them grow up. Possibly starting a paralegal program and hoping to get involved in International law somehow. Continue to write my script/book- "how not to piss off the Vagina- horrible short love stories of the 21st century". Record some music with one of my favorite dudes Anthony. Maybe even ride a bike all the way to San Diego. Enjoy the beaches during the summer. Continue photography and probably still suck at it :/. Learn to make my Danish balls. Run a half-marathon in Oct. Spend more time at the movies.

And even though some of these things may not happen, it is OK, I had a road trip planned for the summer and even a trip to Europe, I even had a job planned. And none of it happened. That is fine. That is life and hopefully something wonderful WILL happen regardless. I am sure we all have been let down and yet we have many great things to look for. So here is hoping for a good future to everyone. If you become rich, please let me bum money of you, I need a new TV. Thank you very much.

I am a human being, I feel, I am real, I am alive. I am friend, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a animal lover, a gummie bear stuffer, I am a Mac not a PC. I get my feelings hurt, I get let down too. No one is perfect. Sorry for making this long. But thank you for reading, now I have to go wash my car. I look forward to seeing some of you this Birthday weekend. It will be great to be cheered up by some of my awesome friends and family. I really need it.